"The Pastor's Guide to Pandering, Manipulating and Controlling"


1. Use Marketing Techniques (to attract new people and replace the quitters; catchy names and slogans, plus a good multi-media program will substitute for "God working").

2. Use Proof-Texting (so you can appear Biblical. Don't worry, nobody will check their Bibles to see if you're rightly handling God's Word).

3. Use the Worship Team (to create a false Holy Spirit. Musicians want stage time and they don't know much about theology-so let 'em think they're "ushering in the Holy Spirit" and they'll volunteer every time).

4. Use the Worship Service (to push your agenda and maintain tithing. Put on a good hour and a half show every week and the rest is easy).

5. Use the False Dichotomy (to isolate your enemies and reinforce your allies. Examples of manufactured "either/or" statements: "Well, I guess some people don't want more of the Holy Spirit!" or "We're not one of those churches that thinks you have to frown all the time and listen to organ music!" or "Who says church can't be fun?! How else will people hear about Jesus if we don't lure them into showing up?").

6. Use the (Bully) Pulpit (to establish and maintain your version of reality and create the best version of yourself: incredibly humble, yet a strong, effective leader; highly intelligent, yet "just a regular guy;" as funny as a comedian, but as pious as a monk).

7. Use Emotions (for just about everything).

8. Use the Law (because guilt is very effective. The Gospel will take the attention off of you and free people from your control-avoid it).

9. Use People (that's why they're there).

10. Use God (because you and He are pretty much the same thing anyway, right?).  

(Please don't do ANY of these things.)

Steven Kozar started The Messed Up Church; he is an artist, musician, blogger and stuff.