In a display of great ingenuity and faith, Benny Hinn waived his jacket at a hospital yesterday and healed all of the patients inside. "I don't know why I didn't think of this years ago!" said the world famous Revivalist and controversial Faith Healer. "I will continue to conduct my crusades around the world, since that is my primary source of income, but this new method of healing will be implemented whenever time allows," said Hinn, who was vacationing in the French Riviera when the new hospital idea came to him in a dream.
In a televised statement (complete with emotional background music that appeals to the over-50 crowd) Hinn explained how this all came about:
God said to me, "Benny, why don't you go to the local hospital and heal all the sick people inside?" and I said, "Lord, I just never thought of that before," and God said, "I want you to use the great healing power that I've given you to actually start healing people," and I say to God, "Why me Lord? What if it doesn't work? And what if it does work and all the staff members at the hospital get mad at me for taking away their customers?" And God responded, "Do as I have told you. I will deal with your detractors." So, who am I to question God, right? So I said, "Okay God, I'll do it, but I still need to bring in those buckets full of cash in order to maintain my luxurious and extravagant lifestyle," and God told me, "I know Benny, I know. If you heal hospitals full of actual sick people for free, I promise that your money-making Miracle Crusades can continue to pilfer the ignorant masses for years to come. Is it a deal?" and I said, "Yes Lord, yes!"
Mr. Hinn then pulled away in his gold-plated Ferrari, but was later spotted at the local Neiman Marcus where he reportedly purchased an over-sized Bible cover made of hand-stitched mink and rattlesnake skin.
Steven Kozar started The Messed Up Church; he is an artist, musician, blogger and stuff.