How to Get Rich and Powerful in the New Apostolic Reformation

If you’re ready to make it big, this article is for you! Mix and match these ideas in whatever way best fits your personality and/or lack of conscience. Let’s get started:

Section 1: Protect yourself from legitimate criticism

• Don’t listen to your critics and consider what they have to say; this way, your followers will do the same thing. Instead, give them a name that automatically labels them as the bad guy. Maybe try using “Hyper-critic;” that’s what NAR Gatekeeper, Dr. Michael Brown used.

• Now, using that made-up name, tell your followers that “haters,” “heresy hunters,” and “so-called discernment bloggers” are the real problem. This way, you’ll never have to address valid criticisms. Naming is easy!

• Remember, your goal is to create a protective coating around the persona you’ve crafted for yourself. If your audience feels free to listen to faithful Christians who expose you, it’s over. No matter what, you must not allow them to even consider listening to Heresy Hunters! Once they get a little taste of the truth, your odds of acquiring wealth and power go way down. Do whatever you’ve gotta do to make yourself the heroic victim of those horrible, hate-filled, Heresy Hunters.

• Create a strawman of your opponent’s critique. If you make your opponent’s argument a bad caricature of itself, you won’t have to address their valid criticisms. Plus, you get to make yourself look like the good guy while you destroy the faithful Christians who are doing what the Bible tells them to do.

• If any of your employees or volunteers become whistleblowers, you have no choice but to destroy them by any means. For more information on this topic, see: “Sean Feucht.”

• You may want to tell your followers that the genuine Christians who expose error are really promoting: “Cancel Culture, Gossip, Backbiting & Slander.” Remember: Heresy Hunters cannot use social media to call out frauds & false teachers, but you can use social media to call out Heresy Hunters!

• Tell your followers that theology is just a bunch of “head knowledge.” Don’t let them know that theology is just a word that means “teachings about God.” By labeling theology as a bad thing, you’re able to teach you’re theology without any pushback! Just think how easy it will be for you to enrich yourself without any annoying Bible passages holding you back! 

• Tell your followers that you’re “anointed by God,” or you’ve “received a mantle,” or something super-spiritual like that. By doing this, you’ll avoid valid criticisms, yet again! In fact, this brings us to Section 2…

Section 2: You hear from God, and He’s giving you crucial new information. Anyone who opposes you, opposes God.

• Tell your followers long and intricate stories about yourself and how special you are to God's work. No matter how self-focused you might be, you can always end by saying something like: “But it’s all about Jesus. Amen?”

• You must become a master of “The Humble Brag.” Remember, you can brag about yourself as much as you want by saying something like, “But it’s not about me. Amen?”

• Your followers will enjoy living vicariously through the persona you create for yourself, so go ahead and make up stuff-they’re not going to mind. The more grandiose you are, the more power and money you’ll have!

• Tell your followers that a “Great Revival” is right around the corner, and make it clear that you are the one God has appointed to lead it. Anyone who goes against you will now be guilty of preventing the Great Revival (that God never promised to give). 

• Handy Tip: You can talk about this “Great Revival” being right around the corner for as many decades as you want, because the faithful Christians who oppose you can always be blamed for its delay. You’re always gonna have Heresy Hunters, so you’ll always have an excuse!

Section 3: If you want to get rich, learn how to extract money from people who also want to get rich.

• Handy Tip: Don’t worry about contradicting yourself and the Bible; people who want to get rich will believe anything.

• Make your followers greedy for wealth without being too obvious. Tell people they “can’t help the poor if they’re poor.” Never allow your followers to realize that there’s a lot of room between rich and poor. As your followers grow more greedy, make sure to mention how much money you give away, this way they’ll both live vicariously through your stories of generosity and ignore the fact that they still don’t have any wealth of their own, like you promised them.

• Instead of encouraging people to work hard and manage their money carefully, as the Bible instructs us all, tell them that God will make them rich when they give money to you, (which is actually the opposite of managing their money carefully). This is sometimes called “Magical Thinking.”

• Take stories in the Bible about people having faith in God and twist them to be about people having faith in God making them rich when they prove themselves worthy. Remember, people will always give you money if they believe it’s a way for them to show God how worthy they are. Although this is clearly a formula to force God to do something, tell your audience that this isn’t a formula to force God to do something. Remember, people who want to get rich will believe anything.

• Tell people that they're selfish if they don’t give money to your ministry. It also helps if you claim they’re going against “God’s Anointed,” which is you, of course. If you manipulate people into donating with enough pressure they won’t notice that you’re the one being selfish.

• Remember, you are the only one getting rich in this equation, and your followers can see that with their own eyes, but they will continue giving you money until the day they die (often in abject poverty!) if you follow all of these steps. 

Section 4: Tell people you’re doing God’s work with real supernatural power from the Holy Spirit, unlike everyone else.

• People love a good “Us versus Them” story, so make sure to sound heroic as you talk about everything God does through you, as opposed to those other people whose “faith is dead” and are probably jealous.

• Tell your audience you’re getting results those powerless Christians aren’t getting. Say: “We’re performing signs and wonders, which cause people to believe in God! We’re getting results because we have power!!”

• When it’s shown that you don’t actually perform those signs and wonders, say, “Even if I did perform signs and wonders, you wouldn’t believe anyway!” Your audience will ignore your glaring hypocrisy if you say these things with great emotion. Whenever possible, have an emotionally manipulative praise band handy.

• Your audience will usually believe whatever stories you tell, but if they don’t, make them feel guilty for not having enough faith. Important: Make sure they see no difference between having faith in God and having faith in your stories.

• When you don’t have any proof of the supernatural power you brag about, remind your audience that “nobody is perfect.” Your audience will usually fail to realize that perfection wasn’t the issue, but performing miraculous signs and wonders was. 

• When you experience a giant public failure of not demonstrating miraculous signs and wonders, don’t worry, because you can always rely on “The Humble Brag” to divert attention. In fact, if you admit that “even you” don’t always get your prayers answered, it will make you more likable. Only admit to this revealing shortcoming when you have no other options.

Section 5: Lastly, you MUST associate with the top NAR leaders, like Bill Johnson, Randy Clark, Che Ahn, Lou Engle, Cindy Jacobs, Daniel Kolenda, Heidi Baker, Michael Koulianos, and whoever else hasn’t been caught in a sex scandal yet.

• These people will give you the facade of credibility that they give to each other, unless they get caught in a sex scandal, of course. FYI: You should no longer associate with Brian Houston, Todd Bentley, Shawn Bolz, Dr. Michael Brown, Todd White, Mike Bickle, Robert Morris, Bob Hartley, and probably a few more NAR leaders by the time you read this.

• You don’t need to have actual credentials as long as you’re connected to the big dogs at the top.

• You will need to exaggerate wildly about how great all of those leaders are for an extended period of time, but with a little luck (and some cold, hard cash!) they will eventually return the favor and you’ll be rolling in huge donation money, speaking fees, and book royalties.

• Oh yeah, you need to write a bunch of books. Don’t worry if they aren’t any good because the NAR leaders who now control your rise to success will write an endorsement. (Well, they won’t write it themselves, they’ve got people for that…)

• Copy the latest new catchphrases these people use. Your audience will believe that “holy spirit” inspired the uncanny lack of originality, so don’t worry about plagiarism. If it worked for Kenneth Hagin, it will work for you!

A few final thoughts to help you attain power and wealth as a New Apostolic Reformation leader:

• If a faithful Christian calls you out as a false teacher in the NAR you can always say “there is no such thing as the NAR.” Remember, this is just to retain your audience-it’s not a valid argument-so it helps to say this with a forceful and angry tone. If you give the appearance that you’re personally hurt by these “false claims,” your audience will feel sympathy for you and sympathy pays big divdends!

• If a faithful Christian calls you out as a false teacher in the NAR you can simply call them a “Heresy Hunter,” “Discernment Blogger,” or whatever new label the big NAR leaders have implanted into the minds of their followers. Remember, naming something is better than serious discussion.

• If a faithful Christian calls you out as a false teacher in the NAR you can check to see what catchphrase Bill Johnson, Randy Clark, or Daniel Kolenda is currently using to deflect legitimate theological concerns.

• Word of Faith leaders have been twisting the Bible in order to enrich themselves for many decades now. Learn from them! Remember, it was a Word of Faith guy, Rodney Howard-Browne, who passed on his “anointing” to Randy Clark that kicked off the Toronto Blessing and all of the NAR “revivals” that followed. You must memorize the stories that these leaders tell and then create a narrative for yourself that somehow ties you into this “move of God.”

Good luck in your venture into the lucrative world of

The New Apostolic Reformation!